Strange How Certain the Journey

Strange how certain the journey
Time unfolds the petals
For our eyes to see
Strange how this journey's hurting
In ways we accept as part of fate's decree

Eric's Song -- Vienna Teng

"Why do you do that?" Rodney yelled, right up in John's face. "Why do you always do that?"

John opened his mouth to reply, although experience had taught him that he wasn't likely to get a word in edgewise at this point. To be fair, he supposed he deserved this; everyone knew better than to just go touching things while exploring the city. On top of all that, he didn't really want to admit that he'd tripped and had only grabbed hold of the odd thing on top the console to prevent himself from falling on his face. He'd hear about that later if Rodney's smirk was anything to go by, but hopefully no one else had noticed.

"I don't feel any different," he said when Rodney finally finished ranting.

"Well, I'm sure everyone here is infinitely comforted by that." Rodney rolled his eyes and grabbed John's upper arm. "Zelenka, I need you to start going through the Ancient database to find out what they were working on in here. Colonel, you're coming with me to see Carson."

Normally, John would have found being manhandled by Rodney to be pretty damn hot, but whether it was the fact that Rodney'd dragged John into a supply closet yesterday and blown him or his own actual concern over the Ancient machine, he just found it kind of irritating.

"All right, all right," he said, yanking his arm out of Rodney's grasp. "I'm coming."

By the time they reached the infirmary, both Carson and Elizabeth were waiting for them. Sighing at the looks of concern they both gave him, John sat down one on of the examining tables and waited for the bad news he knew was coming.

"You've come up with something already?" Rodney asked.

"Nothing certain," Carson began, glancing nervously at Elizabeth.

"We think it has something to do with reproduction," she began.

"Oh Jesus," Rodney said, his eyes going wide. "It got him pregnant!"

"But it didn't even call me after our date," John said, trying to ignore the slight wave of fear that started up at Elizabeth's words.

"I doubt it did anything as drastic as that," Carson said, but John didn't find himself feeling all that reassured.

"Oh laugh while you can...." Rodney's voice was a little shrill.

"Rodney," Elizabeth said firmly. "Concentrate. I want you to look at the initial information Radek was able to find." She pulled him away, leaning over his tablet with him.

John held his arm out, and Carson took what seemed like a gallon or so of blood before scanning him with several ancient doohickeys. He did that annoying humming thing and John tried not to fidget and ask any stupid questions.

"And I'll need a sample, of course." Carson went silent and handed John a sealed sample container, gestured vaguely toward the infirmary's restroom.

John's glance at Rodney was almost automatic and Rodney looked at the container and smirked just a little before turning his attention back to whatever Elizabeth was bringing up on the tablet.

You've done this before and you'll do it again, John told himself, looking at the sample cup as he locked the bathroom door behind him. Just close your eyes, think of Rodney blowing you and you'll be fine.

Only he had to admit a few minutes later that he wasn't fine. When thinking of Rodney blowing him failed to produce any results, he shifted over to blowing Rodney, imagining the way Rodney's thick, heavy cock felt in his mouth and against the back of his throat.

Oh shit, it made me straight! He wasn't wild about the idea that the Ancients would do that, but if the machine had something to do with reproduction....

But no, concentrating on the few women he fantasized about these days didn't work either. And honestly, when you can't get it up thinking about Xena and Gabrielle getting it on, something is wrong.

He was glaring down at his dick and wishing it would get with program when someone pounded at the door. "Colonel, we've figured it out and you can come out now."

He tucked himself back in, left the empty cup on the ledge above the sink and frowned at Rodney as he came out. "Well?" he said, expecting some kind of mockery.

Rodney, however, just looked down at the floor. "It um...we think it's temporary," he finally said, his voice low.

"Rodney...."

"The Ancients were concerned about productivity and distraction," Rodney began. When his voice trailed off, John reached out, grabbed his arm and shook him.

"What did that thing do to me?"

"It was designed to help people who were working on important projects against deadlines and we think the effects...."

"Rodney!"

"Wethinkitmadeyouimpotent," Rodney said. "Just temporarily," he insisted as John stared at him in shock.

"You're joking," John said, but no, Rodney wouldn't joke about something like this.

"I wish," Rodney said. "I mean, as jokes go, it'd be in terrible taste, all things considered, but still, given the circumstances and all...no. I'm not joking."

"Yeah," John said, and it was his turn to look at the ground. "And thanks for not asking, but...I think you're right about what it did."

"Jesus," Rodney muttered. "I mean, I get the thing about distractions and so on, but still; the Ancients were really fucked up."

"Yeah."

They stared at one another in silence, John aware that Carson and Elizabeth were watching them. "Well this totally sucks," he finally said, and moved to join them.

"How long?" he asked before either of them could say anything else.

"We'll have to examine the device itself," Elizabeth said. "Apparently you could set it for a period of time up to...well, a year."

"A year," John said, pleased that he actually sounded rational. "Well," he continued, "it's not like I was...."

And that was really pretty fucking cruel with Rodney standing right there, but given that all they had going was a before-or-after-mission buddy-fuck kind of thing and they'd done a surprisingly good job of keeping it secret, he figured it was the kind of thing he could and should say.

"All your alien women will be disappointed," Rodney snapped. "Now if you'll excuse me, I should go take a look at this thing."

John wanted to say he was sorry, but there was no way he could and so he settled for a shrug. "Well, I guess it could have been worse."

The look Elizabeth gave him said she could see right through him, but he was used to that. Before the silence stretched out long enough to become even more uncomfortable, Carson gave John an apologetic glance.

"Now that I know what I'm looking for, I should do more tests."

Feeling a little like a lab rat, John took a deep breath, shoved his impending freakout to the back of his mind and settled down to let Carson take even more blood.

* * *

By dinner time, John was done with Carson and then Elizabeth--who agreed that no, this was no reason to keep him out of the field and that there was certainly no reason for anyone to know about it.

Rodney wasn't in the mess hall and John tried to tell himself that he was glad because it meant that Rodney was working on the Ancient device and not because he really didn't know what to say to Rodney right now. He was pretty sure that Rodney would have plenty to say about not getting any for up to a year, and really who could blame him? John wasn't exactly overjoyed himself.

In fact, he wasn't sure how he felt. He'd never really been one of those guys who was defined by his own sexuality; he really couldn't be, seeing as he was a gay Air Force officer. But he'd never measured himself by how often he got laid either; he liked sex, but he liked flying more, and in the end that was just how it was.

In fact, now that he thought about it what with Rodney being right here, he'd probably had more sex with Rodney than he had with anyone else in his life. And even though what they had wasn't a relationship, they'd been doing it for over a year now and for John that was pretty amazing.

Amazing, he thought as he moved his dinner around on his plate, is one way to describe it. Sex with Rodney was pretty damn fantastic, which had been a bit of a surprise the first time they'd survived some crisis on a mission and tumbled into a bed together.

Hell, John hadn't even know Rodney was gay and there he he'd been, going down on John like he was starving for it, which he'd cheerfully admitted was true right before he rolled over and told John in no uncertain terms to fuck him.

The fact that John could sit here and think about fucking Rodney and not feel anything was one of the more disturbing things that had happened to him here -- and that was really saying something.

After dinner, he retreated to his quarters, thought about it for a whole minute and then stripped off and got in bed with his lap top. It was possible that thinking about Rodney was a little too close to thinking about the problem itself; maybe porn was the answer.

Five minutes later, when someone knocked on his door, he was staring at the screen in shock. "It's me," Rodney called out. John instructed the door to let Rodney in and it had barely closed again before he spoke.

"Porn is...really boring."

"Give the man a prize," Rodney said. He came over to the bed, sat down and stared over John's shoulder. "Is that the Italian one? With the skinny guy who has that amazingly huge...oh yeah, that's him all right."

As Rodney stared at the screen, John did too. "Wow, his ass is even skinnier than mine."

"Huh?" Rodney glanced at him and then blinked. Reaching for the space bar, he paused the movie. "You're not into this at all."

"Well yeah, Rodney," John snapped. "In case you forgot, I touched the Impotence Machine today."

"Look, I think psychology makes medicine look like hard science, but even I know there's more to...well to desire than just getting a hard on. Did Carson scan your brain?"

"Twice," John said, snapping his laptop closed. "He hadn't had a chance to really check out the results before I took off."

"Sorry," Rodney said, and John blinked; Rodney really wasn't much for apologizing. "I just...." He looked down at his hands and John realized that for once, Rodney had nothing to say.

"Kiss me," John said. Rodney gave him a look but John grabbed at his shirt. "Seriously...kiss me or feel me up or...something."

Rodney was warm, and as usual he tasted a little bitter, like coffee and late nights. As he kissed John, he cupped the back of John's neck, his fingers drawing absent patterns against the sensitive skin there. It tickled and Rodney's mouth on John's was...weird. After a moment, John pulled back.

"This is totally not doing it for you, is it?" Rodney sounded more curious than hurt.

"I'm sorry." Although really, John wasn't sure what he was apologizing for. It wasn't his fault that kissing Rodney couldn't turn him on the way it usually did. "I can still blow you," he said.

"Jesus," Rodney said, pulling away. "What the...no."

"No reason you have to go without for...how long anyway?"

"Oh right, I meant to tell you, roughly six weeks."

John took a deep breath and then let it out. "Okay...six weeks. I can do that." He looked at Rodney. "But I'm serious, no reason for you to go without. There's plenty of things...."

"Oh stop it; you make a crappy martyr." Rodney snorted and waved a hand, dismissing John's suggestions. "Trust me, I've gone without sex for a lot longer. We'll just...I dunno, play the game or something."

"Or you could...there are, you know...other people."

"Don't," Rodney said, giving John an exasperated look, "be an idiot."

"So," Rodney said after a long moment of silence. "What else have you got on that thing? Or is it all porn?"

"No, it's not all porn."

They ended up watching Alien because neither of them had seen it in ages. And while it was decidedly weird to be in bed with Rodney and make it all the way to the end of a movie without pausing for any kind of emergency or sex, it was far from the worst evening John had ever spent.

* * *

Waking up without the usual morning wood was a little odd. John didn't jerk off every day, but it happened often enough to be a semi-routine thing. Once in the shower, he glared down at his dick. "Stupid fucking Ancients. I'm gonna be crazy by the time this is through."

He was glad that his team's scheduled mission was simple; they were visiting the Lirnea, who were nice, friendly established trading partners of theirs. It went well; Teyla met with the Elders while Rodney checked his repairs to the town's collection of windmills and Ronon and John went hunting with some of the younger men.

Hunting wasn't one of John's favorite pastimes, but the Lirnea put great stock in the ability to hunt, and the fact that they'd even extended the invitation was an honor. "We'd have probably starved without their help back during our first year on Atlantis," he explained to Ronon who, not too surprisingly, didn't like hunting either.

It went well enough, although John couldn't really tell if his concentration was any better than it had been a couple of months ago when they'd had to hunt on MX7-932. He supposed he was over-thinking things, and so he did his best to act cheerful and chat with the leader of the hunt as they returned to the village.

"Jesus," Rodney muttered as they left the briefing hours later. "You still flirt."

"What?" John said, glancing around to make sure no one was in earshot. "I do not."

"You and that red-head, the tall one," Rodney said, smirking just a little. "You were flirting with him."

"I was not," John said. "I was just being...nice."

"You really just turn on the charm without being aware of it, don't you?"

"Do I?"

Rodney rolled his eyes.

John really didn't think he flirted as much as Rodney thought he did, but he also didn't want to have this conversation. "So, want to get dinner and then play some game?"

Rodney rolled his eyes again, but said yes.

Rodney was his usual bitchy, grumbly self as they played, but John was able to tune him out and concentrate on the decisions he needed to make. Again, he wasn't sure if that was the result of the Ancient device or not, and again, he concentrated on not thinking about it.

"I swear to God," Rodney finally said. "I think Sid Meier is a fucking Ancient. You ever notice how all his games were essentially the same, boring thing?"

"I never really played many of them."

"They're all like this thing, only more like solitaire. With a side of crack." Rodney stood up and stretched, his tee shirt sleeves riding up. "Even the pirate game was incredibly boring; I played it for about 36 hours straight once."

"You're a real party animal," John said, glancing at his watch. "Oh fuck, it's late and I've got a couple baby Marine pilots I need to take up in the morning."

"Yeah, and I have to go crack the whip and make sure my people aren't being any more monumentally stupid than usual." Rodney bent over and picked up his tray, and John turned to get his own stuff. "Can't get up too early for that."

"You wanna watch Aliens tomorrow night?"

"Sure," Rodney said. He stared at John for a moment and then shook his head. "Gimme your tray; I'll take it back."

It was only when John was half asleep that he realized that he'd totally ignored the sight of Rodney's ass in a pair of jeans, and that Rodney's arms hadn't made any kind of impact on him at all.

* * *

By the time the second week rolled around, John had to admit that, yes, he was concentrating better. One of the new pilots was incredibly attractive, and while John hardly ogled his own men, he still noticed the really good looking ones. What he noticed most about Montoya was that he was a little timid with the puddlejumpers, as if he wasn't at all sure of the Ancient technology. Well, John also noticed his long fingers and an ass that filled out a pair of fatigues nicely, but it was kind of like looking at a really beautiful sunset or the perfect wave. Nice, yes, but not really anything that inspired even the slightest bit of lust.

And it wasn't like he'd have ignored the other guys or been any less attentive to the training before, it was just that the faint distraction that came with being around a hot guy simply wasn't there. He felt, he had to admit, a little sharper.

That night, his sixteenth after his encounter with the machine, John had his freak out.

"I love these two," Rodney was saying as they watched Marion and Indy bicker their way through Raiders of the Lost Ark. "I'd have done both of them."

Normally John would either agree--he'd always had a bit of a thing for Marion--or ignore Rodney, who was given to blurting stuff like this out while watching movies. But now....

"Jesus Christ Rodney, can you think about anything other than sex?"

Rodney blinked at him and then his face fell. John immediately felt awful as well as angry.

"I'm just trying to...I don't know, act the way I normally do around you," Rodney finally said. "Well, I'm also doing my best not to jump you or feel weird when things that would normally interest you, or at least distract you, have no effect on you at all."

"I miss it, all right?" John said. "Only it's like I don't even remember what it feels like to have a goddamn hard-on or to look at you or anyone else and think, 'yeah, I want that and right now, please.'"

"Well I do!" Rodney snapped. "I look at you and I think about what it was like when you blew me, or when you fucked me. Trust me, I remember it."

"This isn't about you!" John shut the lap top and slid it under the bed before he got to his feet. "You can still jerk off. You can still come. I can't even fucking get it up, and what's worse, I don't even want to!!" His last words all but echoed around the room, and he realized he was yelling. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he moved to stare down blindly at his desk.

"God I suck at this," Rodney muttered. He got to his feet and came to stand behind John. "I'm sorry. You're right, it's not about me. Me being selfish, can you imagine?"

"Who'da thunk?" John asked, leaning back a little. Carefully, almost as if he were afraid of hurting John, Rodney slid his arms around John's waist and pulled just a little. John leaned further until he could feel the solid warmth of Rodney's chest against his back.

I've missed this too.

"So," Rodney finally said. "Wanna see if that bit where that guy's face melts is as scary as it was when we were kids?"

"I had nightmares about that," John admitted as they settled back on the bed. He set the lap top up and then leaned against Rodney, far closer than he'd been at the beginning of the night. When Rodney hesitantly put an arm around him, John settled against him and started the movie back up.

* * *

"I am soooooo fucked up," Rodney announced. Teyla giggled as she leaned against him. "No seriously, there's got to be some kind of formula out there, some equation to solve for X where X is how incredibly fucking stoned I am."

"Why can't we stay?" Ronon asked, and John pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Because the nice people slipped you all roofies and then threw pretty girls and boys at you and I'd rather not have my team involved in the first inter-galactic case of date rape." He sighed as Ronon looked pleadingly at him.

"Can't rape the willing," Rodney said. "Teyla what do you say? You wanna go back and spend some time with that guy...you know, with the hair and the legs."

"Well that narrows it down," John muttered.

"He did have very pretty legs," Teyla said, her voice a little slurred. "You seemed to enjoy looking at him."

"I liked looking at all of them." Rodney sighed wistfully. "That one girl...she was really something and I think she liked me."

"I like you, Rodney," Teyla said and John turned around, only to find that they'd all fallen behind.

Teyla was all but wrapped around Rodney, who had one of the biggest grins on his face that John had ever seen. She stumbled a little and Ronon moved to her other side to help steady her. Or, John thought, blinking as he realized what was going on, it was more like to feel her up.

Teyla giggled again, and honestly that was far more freaky than anything else that had happened tonight. Rodney bent and whispered something in her ear, and she tilted her head, giving him access to her neck, which he immediately started to nibble on. As John stared, not entirely sure he was really seeing this, Ronon slid one hand up under Teyla's shirt and the other up Rodney's back and...Jesus, John hadn't even known that Ronon swung that way.

"Okay kids, come on. You can't do that here."

"Why not?" Ronon asked.

"Um...because I said so." John hoped he sounded firm. "And also, there are beds and pillows and...you know, lube and condoms and stuff back home."

"Mmmmmm...beds," Teyla said as the three of them started trying to walk while still tangled up in each other.

"Mmmmm...lube," Rodney said, doing his best Homer voice, which, under the circumstances was almost as disturbing as Teyla giggling.

"Can I fuck him?" Ronon asked. "I mean I know he's...."

"Oh no no no," John said and suddenly the in charge voice came easily. "There's no way that sentence can end well, so you can just shut up right now, Specialist Dex."

"God that's hot," Rodney said. John tensed, sure Rodney was going to say something that would give them away. "Don't you think it's...hey Teyla, you okay?"

"I am...I do not feel...." Teyla bent over and threw up on Rodney's boots.

"Does that mean you don't like me any more?"

By the time they made it back to the jumper, Teyla had thrown up once more. Neither Rodney nor Ronon had gotten sick yet, but Rodney was looking green around the gills and even Ronon was moving very carefully. Genuinely worried now, John tucked all three of them into the back of the jumper with blankets, pretty sure that at this point, they wouldn't actually start up the first puddlejumper orgy in the history of the Atlantis Expedition.

Carson met them in the jumper bay and insisted on putting everyone but John on a gurney. They'd been in the infirmary for less than five minutes before Rodney threw up and that apparently set Ronon off. Teyla was just lying on her gurney with her arm flung over her head in an obvious attempt to block the light out.

"Fastest transition to the hangover stage I've ever seen," John said to Carson. He handed over the canteen he'd poured half his drink into. "Here's what they had."

"Did you drink any of it?"

"I only had a sip," John said. "There was this mostly naked girl and she was pretty much trying to climb into my pants while giving me my drink and I was trying to get her out and...well obviously, I wasn't as distracted as they were."

"I'll want some of your blood too, so don't go anywhere."

"Yeah, because here is where I wanna be," John said and settled down in a chair close to the door.

Elizabeth came in and John found himself trying to explain the situation to her without giving too much away, like the fact that Rodney was and Ronon seemed to be bisexual. Or at least Ronon was while under the influence.

"Anyway, I don't really think they meant any harm. I'm not thrilled that they tried to drug us all to get us to participate in their festival but I doubt they were trying to poison us."

"Do you think it was your...condition that granted you immunity to the drug?"

"It was more that I was immune to the distractions," John said thoughtfully. "Although...the sip I had felt like a shot of hard liquor but it didn't affect me the way even a small amount of it did them, so, who knows?" He shrugged.

"Why's it so bright in here?" Rodney groaned and Elizabeth smiled a little.

"Well, if he can still complain, he must be all right."

"Yeah," John said, and he smiled back at her.

* * *

"I would now like to crawl into a small hole and die," Rodney said the next evening. Carson had finally let the rest of John's team out of the infirmary, and they'd all scattered quickly and without really looking at one another.

"Head still hurting?"

"No, I'm just painfully, possibly fatally, embarrassed." Rodney's eyes went a little wide. "I was all over Teyla; God, she's gonna kill me."

"Yeah, well, all of you were all over one another," John said. "It was kind of...well, even I'm pretty sure it was really hot there for a minute or two."

"At least two," Rodney said. They paused in front of John's door. "Oh hey, I can't come in here like this. I mean I cleaned up some in the infirmary but still... I need a shower."

"Use mine," John said. "I'll loan you some sweats or something."

Rodney gave him an odd look but followed him into the room.

"Chess tonight?" John asked as Rodney headed into the bathroom. "Or a movie? We still haven't watched...."

"If you say Back to the Future you're a dead man. You're already on thin ice as it is, what with not having suffered through the hangover of fucking doom."

"Bitch bitch bitch," John said. "I was gonna say Batman."

"Which one?"

The shower had started up and John headed toward the bathroom, leaning against the door frame and yelling a little over the sound of the spray. "The one with Clooney."

"You're bluffing," Rodney yelled back. "You wouldn't inflict that on yourself just to irritate me. Would you?"

"Okay, yeah, I'm not that big a masochist." John laughed. "The new one."

"Oh hey, I haven't seen that one yet."

The shower turned off, and Rodney came out and then stopped when he saw John in the doorway. "Do you mind?"

"Huh? Oh sorry." John threw him a towel. Rodney continued to glare, and John retreated into the bedroom to grab a pair of sweats. "Here," he called, tossing them into the bathroom and wondering what Rodney's deal was.

Whatever it was, Rodney seemed to be in a better mood once they settled on the bed. After four weeks, it no longer seemed odd to curl up with Rodney while they watched movies. Tonight, Rodney slumped down a little on the bed and rested his head on John's chest. John wasn't sure it was actually Rodney's turn, but he figured after a night spent in the infirmary, Rodney deserved to use John as a pillow.

The movie was good, far better than John had expected and damn, but the car was fucking awesome. "I want one of those," he said. "Can you build me one like it?"

"Oh please, I'm a much better engineer than Lucius Fox," Rodney said, lifting his head to glare at John. "With the proper materials and maybe a little help from Radek I could do it in no time."

"Cool," John said, and Rodney rolled his eyes.

"Cool." Rodney snorted, leaning down on John's chest again. John brought a hand up and began absently stroking Rodney's back while they watched. It felt good, being here like this; it felt comfortable in a way John couldn't really define.

"That was pretty brilliant," Rodney said when the movie was over. "Certainly the best Batman movie ever." He didn't move and John kept stroking, his fingers running through Rodney's hair now.

"I should go," Rodney said after a long silence.

"You don't...you could...if you wanted...." John sighed, for some reason the words weren't coming out right.

"No really," Rodney said, pulling back and sitting up. "I need to go."

It was only as Rodney stood that John realized what was going on. "Oh," he said, looking at the bulge showing at the front of the sweats Rodney was wearing. "God, I'm so sorry...."

"No," Rodney said, waving away John's apology with a brisk gesture. "Just...lay off the hair from now on, okay?"

"I didn't know..." John tried again.

"I know," Rodney said with an odd expression on his face. "It's not something you ever did before and really, I'm good. It's just...any more and I'd have either made a complete fool of myself or I'd end up taking care of it later and...."

John knew this look, knew what chagrin and "I didn't mean to say that," looked like on Rodney's face. "Wait," he said. "You haven't been jerking off since the thing with the machine?"

"Didn't seem fair," Rodney said, looking at the floor. John couldn't help noticing that his erection had gone away.

"Four weeks without even once...?"

"You've gone the same amount of time," Rodney said, and John snorted.

"Oh please, it's not the same thing; you obviously didn't use the machine. It's no hardship for me to go without."

"Yeah but...look, do we have to discuss this?" Rodney reached up and rubbed at the back of his neck. "I just thought that...well like I said, it didn't seem fair."

"Rodney," John said, getting to his feet. He reached out and pulled Rodney close. "I'll take care...let me make you feel good, okay?" Unlike before, he knew that this time, his offer had some real meaning.

Rodney stayed close for a minute, shifting a little so that John could feel that his erection had come back. "Thank you," he finally said, "but it would be kind of weird for me, with you not getting off and all."

"You being selfless, who'da thunk," John murmured, kissing Rodney's temple.

"You tell anyone and you're a dead man." Rodney stayed close for another moment and then pulled away with obvious reluctance. He looked at John the same way he looked at some unusual puzzle that he was trying to solve, and John expected that, at any moment, Rodney would snap his fingers and start talking really really fast.

He didn't though, just smiled faintly and headed toward the bathroom to collect his clothes.

* * *

The next night, they played the game, and the night after that, Rodney worked late, popping in at one point to hit John up for dessert. John just shrugged and handed over the extra pudding he'd taken from the mess hall. "I've got Kingdom of Heaven for tomorrow," he said.

Rodney made a face. "Why that?"

"We hadn't seen it. And for all you know, I could have a thing for Orlando Bloom."

"He's one of the few actors in Hollywood who is actually prettier than you are; I'd expect you to hate him."

"Are you calling me pretty?"

"Well, you do have a very pretty mouth." Rodney leered at him.

"Get out of here, you pervert." But before Rodney left, John reached out and touched him, running his hand from Rodney's shoulder down to his arm. Rodney leaned into the touch, looking for all the world like a cat. Then he grinned widely and left, taking his pudding with him.

"Here," Rodney said, handing John a DVD the next evening. "If you want Orlando Bloom, let's watch this; I only saw it once and it's got to be better than some bloated historical epic."

"I never saw it; how'd you get your hands on it?" Not only was it Pirates of the Caribbean but it was an actual real copy and not a bootleg.

"I'd tell you but then I'd have to kill you."

"You and what army?" John said, reaching into his desk drawer. "Anyway, if you kill me you won't get any of my M&Ms."

"Did I say 'kill'?" Rodney kicked off his shoes. "That's not what I meant."

John poured the M&Ms into a clean coffee mug and then settled on the bed with Rodney. There was a moment, after he'd gotten the movie all set up and the laptop positioned, when he hesitated.

"Oh for fuck's sake," Rodney said. He slid his arm between John's back and the pillow and exerted a surprising amount of pressure. John went with it, resting his head on Rodney's chest. "You're easily the most gorgeous man I've ever slept with," Rodney said, sounding almost annoyed about it. "But even taking that into consideration, I'm not going to spontaneously combust if we don't do anything more than this."

"You sure know how to give a guy a compliment."

"And yet people don't like me. It's a mystery."

"Wrapped in an enigma disguised as something else," John said, and hit play.

The movie was fun, and John enjoyed it, but it hardly took up all his attention. There was chocolate and Rodney's warmth and the sound of him snorting every time something defied the laws of physics.

"Oh God, a Bruckheimer chase scene with sails; even I know that won't work."

"Shut up and look at the nice boats," John said. "And give me the M&Ms while you're at it."

"Yes sir." Rodney passed the mug.

"You have a military kink there, Rodney?" John asked.

Rodney cocked his head and looked down at John. "A bit of one actually."

John hit the space bar. "Really?"

"Yeah, a little. You didn't expect a serious answer did you?" Rodney smirked.

"No, not really."

"Well, I figured since you asked and all, I might as well tell you." He rubbed his thumb absently on John's bicep. "What about you? Is that part of why you went in?"

"Are you fucking kidding? Not so much." John shrugged. "I know guys who did go in with one or ended up with one after being in for a while, but it's not one of my serious kinks."

Oh shit, that was a tactical error.

"Oh come on," Rodney said, giving John a couple of sharp pokes in the arm. "You can't just say that."

"Well I don't mind it if things get a little rough."

John could almost hear Rodney rolling his eyes. "No really?" he said. "I think you saying 'it's okay, you can fuck me harder' the second time was a dead give away." And yeah, John remembered that, but he hadn't known that Rodney did too.

"I kinda like blindfolds and bondage." Weirdly enough, it was easier to discuss this now than it ever had been before. John's list of kinks seemed like a shopping list that was mostly made up of booze and junk food. Sure it was a little embarrassing, but there wasn't any squirming arousal mixed up with it. Of course the fact that he couldn't actually meet Rodney's eyes helped too.

"Top or bottom?" Rodney asked.

"Mostly bottom," John said. "Although to be honest, I'd love to tie you up."

"Hmmm."

And now John had to look up, a little nervous about what he'd see. But Rodney just had that thoughtful look again. "I could go for that," he said, and if he didn't sound quite as calm as John did, he was doing a pretty good job. "Both ways, and well, I'll admit this even though you're going to laugh: I'd be okay with it if you gagged me. You know...occasionally."

John tried to hold back his bark of amusement, but Rodney was right, it was funny.

"Yeah, laugh it up; it's the favorite fantasy of pretty much everyone who's ever worked for me. Only without the sex afterwards."

"Don't," John said, sitting up as much as he could with his legs still tangled up with Rodney's. "Yeah, I laughed, and I probably shouldn't have, and you're pretty good at knowing your own flaws, but sometimes you're really too good at laughing at yourself."

"You think?" The question had none of the sarcasm John would have expected.

"Yeah, I really do." John paused. "I'm not saying that you have this squishy marshmallow center or anything, just...it's hard sometimes, to hear you do that."

"Self-defense," Rodney said quietly. He shrugged. "It's easier that way."

"Yeah," John said. "I just...never said anything at all."

"Imagine my surprise," Rodney said with a slight smile. "You've got that down to an art form. I know why, I really do, but it makes it tough to...you know. Get to know you."

"Yeah, I've been told that," John said. "And you're trusting me to tie you up and gag you."

Rodney opened his mouth and John could see the moment he decided not to be flip and off the cuff. "Yeah," he said. "I am."

John leaned forward and kissed Rodney. It was just supposed to be light, a gesture because, as so often happened, John simply didn't have the words he needed. But something, habit or the way Rodney pressed up against him, led him to open his mouth, and suddenly they were really kissing, tongues and lips and teeth and each other's breath.

Rodney was warm and under the chocolate, he tasted bitter, like coffee and late nights. He tasted like Rodney and smelled like Rodney and John couldn't understand why he'd been so freaked out about that kiss four weeks ago. It wasn't sex, didn't feel like sex, but it was closeness and comfort and....

It was Rodney, and it had been Rodney for a long time now.

"Yeah," Rodney said when they finally pulled back. His pupils were shot and his lips were wet and his cheek was red with stubble burn and he was the best thing John had ever seen. "Me too.

-end-

Notes: This was written for McShep Match's Team Romance; the prompt was "sacrifice." I'd like to thank Helens78 for her excellent beta skills and Darkrose and Grace for all the handholding. The title is from "Eric's Song" by Vienna Teng.

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