saldemonium asked me to do some commentary on this fic and since it's short and I still have a fair amount to say, I figured why not.

First of all, if you're going to read the commentary, I'm going to assume you've read the fic. If you haven't read the fic, you have to decide whether you want to read it with or without the warning which contains a whopping big spoiler.



Which brings me to the first thing I want to talk about. Originally when I posted this, I was faced with that ever-popular decision: warn up top and spoil the fic, or don't and have people pissed when they hit a trigger issue. I went with the middle option and warned at the bottom of the fic and said up top, that the warning spoiled the fic. The next morning, I actually went back and posted a link to the bottom of the fic.

I still got complaints about the fic and about my, apparently insufficient, warning. And you know? What do you do? I won't make up people's minds for them. Since I'm writing porn, I'm assuming my readers are adults and if they choose to avoid spoilers and then get squicked, well...I'm sorry, I really am, but it's not my call to make and I won't make it for you.

Um...anyway...moooooving right along.

This fic was written for one of our IJ Porn Battles, and the prompt I chose was "SGA, John/Rodney, age regression". I think the PB took place shortly after helenish wrote "17.5" and I remember that it was either almostnever or anatsuno who wanted some Young!Rodney porn.

Because I wanted to write something really perverse, I decided to give John a bit of a thing for really young guys. I also knew that Rodney knew about it. And that was about all I knew going in.

 

"Naked Dreams That Go Unsaid"

Rodney at sixteen--"and a half!"--is porn.

Have you seen pictures of David when he was young? Srsly, the word pretty and the word porn both come to mind.

Not the good kind of porn, oh hell no. He's the kind of porn you hide really carefully because just having it around means you're a fucking pervert, never mind the fact that you might be actually jerking off to the images of really, really young guys.

Oh really, John? And how do you know that? This John doesn't just like 18-21 year old college-aged twinks; his real thing is underaged guys.

Only in the magazines and videos, they're (supposedly) all 18 or older; they just look younger. But Rodney...Rodney with his mop of curly hair and lush mouth and coltish awkwardness really is underage. Only he's not, because he's still Rodney, still has 39 years of experience and knowledge in his brain.

This is seriously messing with John's head. Not just because Rodney's so pretty and young, but because it's Rodney and John has no real sexual attraction to Rodney at all. He likes him and even thinks of Rodney as his best friend, but Rodney's so far from the kind of guy John fucks, let alone the kind of guy John fantasizes about, that John's never once given thought to having sex with him.

Sometimes, John thinks, as he heads to his room after another day of spent dealing with a pretty, teenaged Rodney McKay, he really fucking hates the Ancients.

Rodney's actually already pushing John a little, and originally it was "a pretty, horny, teenaged Rodney McKay," but then I decided that John's being as willfully blind as he possibly can be under the circumstances. I'm not even sure that he knows that Rodney's gay (or bi, even I don't know that at this point).

"You know what?" Rodney's voice says out of John's darkened room.

That Rodney's in John's room isn't presented as a big deal here; I get the feeling that these two are in and out of one another's rooms all the time.

"Rodney," John begins, and then chokes on whatever he was going to say when he sees Rodney sprawled out on his bed, totally fucking naked and on his stomach, slim legs spread and his ass raised just a little, presented to John's view like some kind of prize.

I started it up there with "mop of curly hair and lush mouth and coltish awkwardness" and this is where I really start hitting with the Hammer of Extreme Unsubtlty: Rodney's physically young and small and slight and can't possibly be mistaken for an adult. I actually didn't realize until I was done with the fic that I want the reader to really be in John's head, to be kind of complicit with John's fantasies. Rodney's doesn't look anything like an adult and John (or me) isn't going to let the reader forget that.

Let me be clear here, though: I have no problem with anyone who finds this fic hot. Quite the opposite; I find it hot. It's text porn and anyway, I don't think Rodney's underaged. At 39 years old, he's perfectly capable of giving consent, and anyway...no that's a spoiler. So while I do hammer home the physicality involved here, it's done with the intention of keeping the reader in John's head. And John? Does have a problem with this whole thing.

"I realized something important today."

"Put some damn clothes on!"

As a member of face_of_joe I would so dearly love to see John's expression here. I mean really, where on his forehead are his eyebrows at this moment?

"I'm a virgin." Rodney wriggles and the low light gleams on his smooth skin. "I was seventeen when I first blew somebody and eighteen before I let anyone fuck me."

And here's where I realized a little more about Rodney. I knew he knew John's kinks, but at first I just assumed he was going to use that knowledge to get laid. But there's more going on. More on that later.

Groaning, John buries his face in his hand, doing his best not to look at Rodney.

And here's the thing about John. Even though I didn't know all of it at this point, I obviously knew that John has a rather skeevy kink. What I realized here is that he's all too painfully aware of it, and that he's still a decent guy. He's kept his hands to himself, not just here with Rodney, but elsewhere. He doesn't hit on the baby Marines, or the really young natives they meet in Pegasus; for instance, he'd never ever dream of even jerking off while thinking about Jinto. The boys in the porn are safe because they're not real people that he knows. So yeah, one of the underlying themes here: John's a good guy.

Rodney, on the other hand....

"When I lubed myself up just now," Rodney continues with a certain degree of glee in his voice, "I was really tight."

Yeah. Rodney's having a little too much fun here.

"Jesus, Rodney!" John looks up to see that Rodney's looking at him over his shoulder.

Rodney opens his eyes wide, licks his lips and smiles. "Come on, Colonel Sheppard. You know you want to." He smirks a little, the familiar look suddenly incredibly sexy. "I've seen your porn."

And while John's already acknowledged that Rodney's body is kind of hot, this is another disconnect moment for him because there's Rodney's usual personality superimposed over his teen face. And of course, there's the gut punch when he realizes that Rodney knows his secret. So not only is there the panic, there's the little voice in the back of his head realizing Rodney's always known and still is John's friend so maybe, just maybe, this is okay?

John's not sure why he moves to the bed, although he wants to think he intended to throw a sheet over Rodney or do something to shut him up because the last thing John wants to talk about is his goddamn porn. But then Rodney's rolling over and scrambling back, and God, he's all skinny and his chest is smooth and the look in his eyes is so fucking knowing....

Yeah, see, John's a good guy and all but he's not made of stone here and it's Rodney, and Rodney's pushing every button and John's working overtime to justify this--Rodney looks knowing, Rodney isn't really a kid, Rodney wants this--while he's looking at this beautiful young boy spread out across his bed. (Also, please assume, as I always do when I write SGA porn, that John isn't sleeping on a bed that he got in the kid's section at IKEA, okay?)

Their fingers tangle together on John's fly and it's only a matter of seconds before Rodney's shoving John's BDUs and shorts out of the way. "Are you...?" John gasps out, but he's not sure he cares what the answer is when his fingers move between Rodney's legs and he discovers that Rodney really is prepped.

I wanted it to be slightly ambiguous about what John is asking here. Rodney said above that he was prepped, but John could either be asking again or he could just be asking if Rodney's sure he wants this.

He expects impatience or blustering demands, but he gets surrender instead; Rodney goes pliant and easy under him, lower lip caught between his teeth, and when John pushes in, he whimpers. Like it hurts just a little, like it's almost too much, and yeah, it probably is because Rodney wasn't fucking lying when he said he was tight.

John has never thought about sex with Rodney, but right now, he's dealing with that disconnect; Rodney's not acting like the Rodney John knows and that's incredibly hot because it plays right into John's fantasies.

John wants to go easy, but he can't; he's thrusting into Rodney hard as Rodney wraps his legs around John's waist and just takes it, all breathy moans and soft whimpers. It's not the first time John's noticed weird little details in the middle of sex and now he notices how thick Rodney's lashes are against his skin and it hits him again how different Rodney looks, how fucking young....

Just in case he (or the reader) had forgotten....

"God," John groans, so close he's shaking with it, so turned on and hard and needing to come that it hurts.

Even here, John's fighting this; it's like, if he comes, he's ruining/spoiling/deflowering Rodney and that's still wrong somehow. And this is the moment that I realized that John's even more of a pervert than I realized, which made the rest of this a breeze to write.

Rodney's eyes open and he stares up at John before saying the one word that pushes John hard over the edge, that has him bending to bite at Rodney's pale throat while he shoves into him one more time and then comes like he's never come before.

Having figured it out myself, I wasn't about to let the reader know, although I'm thinking some people might have guessed at this point. I wanted the violence here; it's not just any old orgasm, it's John finishing up the job of taking Rodney's virginity and punishing Rodney for letting/making him do it.

Days later, when Rodney's broad and balding and stubbly and thirty-nine again, he gives John sideways, knowing looks, and John knows he's lost a war he didn't even know he was fighting, knows that Rodney seduced him and took him and used him to get something John had never even considered giving him.

First off, there's more of that unsubtle hammer thing--oh hey, Rodney's back to looking like Rodney and not some skinny, pretty JAILBAIT!

Next, well there it is. I want the reader to suddenly wonder just who the bad guy in this is. Over and over, I've made it clear that John's a big damn pervert who likes little boys, but.... Rodney knew it, knew it all, and, as I say above, used it to take what he wanted and what he's actually wanted for a long damn time: John. Because Rodney is gay or bi and he's had a thing for John ever since John sat down in the chair and all along, John's been totally oblivious.

And you know, that's a really common trope in SGA and one that I love to death. But see, when I love a trope, I eventually want to mess with it. And so what's usually a "oh poor Rodney, crushing on clueless-straight John" is suddnely kind of creepy. This whole thing is Rdeny's bit "fuck you for not being interested even though I know you like guys" moment. Plus of course, knowing John's kink means that all Rodney has to do is look in the mirror to know that he'll never be what John wants.

I actually think Rodney keeps incredibly close tabs on John's porn and watches/reads it all the time and so he has this huge burden of resentment and insecurity built up. And I think it's even worse because he also knows that John never acts on it; Rodney's never even caught him looking at anyone he shouldn't look at. I think that at first Rodney hoped John would slip up and screw up on a mission or something and Rodney could be all cool and help John hide his dirty little secret and then he'd have an in, but in however many years it's been, John's never once done anything wrong.

Except of course he has. He's been there, right in front of Rodney and still been totally unobtainable. I feel sorry for Rodney, but I feel even sorrier for John because he's never once had any idea of how Rodney felt. If he'd known, he'd have felt terrible about the whole thing. And of course, it's hard to feel sorry for Rodney when you realize he set this whole scene up and he pushed every one of John's buttons. Yes, John could have, and probably should have, said no, but I really do think it's impossible to read this as Rodney being unable to consent because he's a kid again.

Lying in bed, his dick in hand, John replays that husky, whispered "Daddy?" over and over in his head and thinks that it was almost worth it.

And this, of course, is John's deepest, dirtiest secret. It's not just teenaged boys, it's an incest thing where he's the Daddy. I have no idea where it came from, although I will say that John wasn't molested when he was young. But what he wants is a bad boy who never knows when to stop and who pushes/forces him into going too far. And there's a layer of self-loathing there, because of course he knows how fucked up he is and how wrong his fantasies are, never mind that, until this happened with Rodney, he'd never even done any role-play.

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